My husband said we'll look for a new job full time 9-6 everyday. Looking back to that time when you did feel loved, were there particular things that helped you to have that sense of closeness to him, could you start to try and reintroduce some of those things back into the relationship? He doesn't seem to see that I do all the hoovering, dusting, clean bathrooms, changing bed clothes, washing etc.. As that nightmare seemed like it was closer to becoming a reality, I had to look back: Why was this happening? If he is unable to have a civilised discussion with you about the situation without losing his temper then you are technically stuck. I've told him that he could at least look but this just causes an argument. Other factors have contributed over time, renos a huge debt a sick family member. Feeling like my boyfriend doesn't want to spend time with Me. Your husband is treating you like a child when he scrutinises what you have been doing on your days off, you are an adult who is free to do what you want. I tried time and again to remind him that I could help now—that the pressure wasn’t all on him—but it would just lead to loud arguments followed by long, uncomfortable silences. The answer to that is to leave him.. Blunt and to the point I know but life is to short and children only want there mum's company for so long. We got married secretly because I had no money for the wedding. He was my best friend and my everything. Kurt’s a very proud guy and doesn’t like asking for help, but I knew things might get even harder for him when I learned that he was up for a promotion that came with even more responsibility. My husband resents me, how do I turn things around? Anyway, he now resents the fact that I only work 3 days a week and expects me on the 2 days I am off to do nothing but house work from 9am - 5pm as if it was a working day. Best wishes. I knew we were in big trouble if we kept on this way. I remember feeling like my husband resents me because I try to do something that he feels is his sole responsibility, but the stress and the fighting was making me reevaluate our marriage. I got married two months ago and I can honestly say that it has been nothing like i had imagined it to be.My husband resents me for my past, he says that i am shallow, dirty, unpure, he doesn't find me attractive. This is the place to chat about your relationships with your in-laws, parents and other relatives, and get support from others who understand whatever it is you're going through. I have a lot of issues with self esteem and low sexual desires. I started on the Lone Ranger track. Here's why that matters. I suggest you talk to a couples therapist- It has helped my marriage tremendously and has provided us a safe place to talk about difficult issues. My husband resents me so much because he says I try to control him. Being a mum isn't just about working full time the moment they turn 5 and that's not my words it's hubbies. (TBH, these gift ideas also work for dads, brothers-in-law and beyond—2020 holiday shopping just got way easier.) Basically, I'm not 'allowed' to have any 'me' time on the days I don't work and I feel under constant scrutiny when he comes home as if he's inspecting what I have done. Anyway, he now resents the fact that I only work 3 days a week and expects me on the 2 days I am off to do nothing but house work from 9am - 5pm as if it was a working day. He works a full time job but when he is off work he is off and doesn't have to do anything else after 5pm or on the weekends. At the end of your first post you mention that " I can't remember the last time I felt like a wife or felt wanted or loved", I wonder if he feels very similar, have you ever asked him how he feels about the relationship? He is disattisfied with his job but that isn't your fault and he is the only one that can do something about it. Well we have actually … I also spend most of my Thursday afternoon driving my son to various after school activities so this takes up half the day. When we go out—which is rarely—Kurt makes minor, biting criticisms that really hurt. Kurt and I married young, right after high school, and he went into the army while I went to community college. I also suffer from anxiety and at get overwhelmed and stressed. That can leave her little room for some soul-replenishing me-time, let alone you-and-she time. Kurt admitted that he was stressed from work, but he feels like he needs to take on the world so that he can provide for me. Clearly, all is not well with your husband or his work, but that is not your fault and he should not be taking it out on you. If they aren't youngsters then I'm surprised you haven't had a little job going by now. Yet my husband makes me feel that I am a constant financial drain on our family because of "my" decision to stay home. In the US, I know the bride is expected to pay for the wedding. We lived together for 3 years before he proposed to me. Once he was home, he found a job working with the transportation department and was making enough money that we didn’t need to worry. Username ... We have 2 children and I have been lucky enough to stay home with them for the most part. Lv 4. Your privacy is important to me. I also spend most of my Thursday afternoon driving my son to various after school activities so this takes up half the day. How old are the kids? Please complete this form and click the button below to gain instant access. Enter your name/email and click the button below to get started. If he is unable to have a civilised discussion with you about the situation without losing his temper then you are technically stuck. My name is Serena and I recently came to the heart-breaking conclusion that my husband resents me. When we go out—which is rarely—Kurt makes minor, biting criticisms that really hurt. We had an argument about this recently and he said 'the only thing you do is cook' which is a load of crap! Before I get home every day, I have to brace myself for what I think might happen throughout the night. I've had a few part time jobs but they never lasted long. etc. If you did decide not to do all of the things you mentioned, he would soon notice the lack of clean bed-line, dust accumulating and all the rest of it. There are so many potential sources of resentment: finances, chores, sex, issues with friends or family, differences in social preferences... the list goes on. 9 years ago. Even after I got my degree, I had a hard time finding anything beyond jobs that were a little better than minimum wage, but we somehow made it work until Kurt’s enlistment was over. Portra. I wonder if that lack of closeness within your relationship is making other things so much harder to cope with, have you thought about relationship counselling or maybe a course: I had my husband back for that moment, but there was still a lot of work to do. When we’re both getting ready for work in the morning, we rarely talk. Being a mum isn't just about working full time the moment they turn 5 and that's not my words it's hubbies. Sit down and write out all expenses. My husband always complains about me being a stay at home mother. Common Problem Details A couple of times I have forgotten about a couple of dishes in the sink and he seems to only see this and takes this to mean i have done nothing all day. If he thinks you do nothing on your days off then do just that - nothing. Traditional marriage counseling just wasn’t for us. I got married 16 months ago and I can honestly say that it has been nothing like i had imagined it to be. I thought it was just a phase, because I had just gotten a new job and Kurt was taking on more responsibility with his, so we were both adjusting. And you should take the time to unpack it — because the truth is that resenting your partner (even if you don't realize that you're doing it) isn't great for your love life. A couple of times I have forgotten about a couple of dishes in the sink and he seems to only see this and takes this to mean i have done nothing all day. ''I had my own ideas of what would happen,'' she said. In fact it cost us money quite often. Andrea's idea is an interesting one - would your husband want to work part-time and you full-time so that he could spend more time with your son, or does he much prefer things the way they are? She had been diagnosed with cancer 5 years ago, and I believe she might be dying very soon. My husband claims he is ok with me not working but once in awhile he will throw it in my face during an argument. That marriage produced 6 children. He does not mind when he sees the money coming in, but thinks it is crazy to do something on the side when I have a perfectly good outside the home job. Secure & Confidential - I will never share or sell your information. Posted Jul 10, 2015 I also think he is a bit OCD when it comes to cleaning and his idea of tidy is not really the same as mine which doesn't help. It changed the course of our marriage. Does he appreciate that you are fortunate to have help from a relative with looking after your son? The problem is I don't see a solution. We have an 8 year old son and when he was born dh and I agreed that it would be better financially for me to go back to work part time - we have a family member who helps out with childcare 3 days a week and I am off Thursdays and Fridays. We are here if you would like to talk more..... Please help! My husband used to tell me all the time that I had to have a job. Relate - Netmums I threaten him and nag or ***** about his drinking. I only want to do part time admin H/R work till my children are older. We haven’t been working on counseling for long, but I’m beginning to see some progress. I also think he is a bit OCD when it comes to cleaning and his idea of tidy is not really the same as mine which doesn't help. The programs outlined on this online counseling alternative encouraged strong communication in our marriage above all else, and showed us in a way that was easy to understand, just why we need to talk to each other about our problems. Basically, I'm not 'allowed' to have any 'me' time on the days I don't work and I feel under constant scrutiny when he comes home as if he's inspecting what I have done. 3. Check out our curated guide to gifts for your husband, and have your credit card at the ready—just to be safe. Average: 0. Having your mum home waiting for you after school and being able to support there hobbies is worth every penny lost. So I tell him to stop drinking and if he keeps it up I will leave him. Hi Kerry My husband resents me staying home! Since then, in every argument, he's brought up how I don't do shit and he's working his ass off. Before I get home every day, I have to brace myself for what I think might happen throughout the night. My dh is very unhappy in his work and has been since I met him. It seems that your husband has a few different issues going on and needs some direction as to how he can start resolving them. We have a 3 yr old daughter and a son who just turned 1 in August. Resentment is a very difficult emotion and it's not something you ever want to touch your marriage. When you try to talk to them, they flip out at you. It can be very hard to find a way to talk without arguing once those negative feelings and resentments have built up, you might like to take a look at this link from RELATE, we all disagree, but the link talks about more healthy ways to argue: He does this to me about every year or sometimes every few months. I like my job, but would have worked part time at any point to have more time for my two kids. I have been feeling like my husband resents me. When we’re both getting ready for work in the morning, we rarely talk. Netmums Relationship Course | Relationship help - Netmums My name is Serena and I recently came to the heart-breaking conclusion that my husband resents me. Your rating: None. We have 2 kids that I chose to stay home with. Bobby points out that many wives resent their husbands because "they often feel frazzled, frustrated, and resentful about the higher level of mental energy and material energy they are expected to devote to their household, career and families." One thing I feared more than anything else was Kurt and I drifting apart far enough that our marriage would end in divorce. He left his last job without informing me to be an entrepreneur. Just a few months before this all started, I was a stay at home wife. So I try to think of ways to occupy my time at home that don’t involve him. Here's the situation. I knew my husband wouldn’t listen—and I certainly didn’t want to sit with a complete stranger who doesn’t know us and make accusations like “my husband resents me.” So I tried looking online for a counseling alternative and found this website. 0 0. bezzymate. Tweet. Agadooo Sat 06-Aug-16 22:58:04. In my book, “When She Makes More,” one breadwinning woman I profile complains how her husband seems to never find time to help around the house or prepare the kids’ lunches because he’s “too busy with work.” But burying himself in his job, she senses, is his passive-aggressive way of dealing with his unspoken frustrations that she makes more than him. I just don't know what to do. Thanks for your reply. That never panned out … If he had had to pay the going rate for childcare, I suspect he might feel differently because it probably would not be worth your while to work part-time anyway... Childhood goes by very fast and the day will soon come when your son is able to make his own way to his activities and probably wouldn't want you to take him there anyway. He doesn't seem to accept any responsibility for the way things have become between us. If you've been putting in a lot of effort trying to get better at understanding men, then you may have already stumbled upon this perplexing predicament when you are trying to work together with your man. It seems that your husband has a few different issues going on and needs some direction as to how he can start resolving them. Sorry for the rant but I needed to get this off my chest. (Some time for myself would be nice too.) Not enough sex. Everytime we try and talk about it we just end up arguing. I do practically all of the house work (he does some laundry and dishes, mainly because 'I don't do it right') and all the food shopping and cooking. Almost there! He compares me to his ex of 8 years and says she was much better than i am. I have tried to offer advice and have told him to look for a new job, however he is adamant that he has no qualifications and is not suitable for any other job. Does he really want to deprive your son and you of this time? Your husband is treating you like a child when he scrutinises what you have been doing on your days off, you are an adult who is free to do what you want. DEAR CAROLYN: My husband hasn’t worked for more than 10 years. We don't have an intimate relationship anymore and I can't remember the last time I felt like a wife or felt wanted or loved. It wasn’t until I told him that I felt like I was losing him that he finally decided to listen. What caused it? I’m showing him, through the communication that we’ve worked on, that this marriage is a partnership, not a situation where he does it all and I stand idly by. He thinks everything should be even. For a long time now my husband has become very resentful of the fact that I get the holidays off and he doesn't. We have an 8 year old son and when he was born dh and I agreed that it would be better financially for me to go back to work part time - we have a family member who helps out with childcare 3 days a week and I am off Thursdays and Fridays. My husband and I have been disagreeing for ages regarding my staying at home with our 16 month old son. I began to worry when this new behavior seemed to get worse with time. If he thinks you do nothing on your days off then do just that - nothing. Here's a backstory. Nothing i do is ever good enough for him and he says that i do not make him happy. Even if it just for a month using his holiday and you working over time. My husband and I have been together for 10 yrs now. Living With a Resentful or Angry Partner It's hard to get an angry person to change without becoming one yourself. RELATED: My Wife Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink. Hate my husband working away, am I being fair? These were questions that constantly went through my head, as our relationship seemed to be deteriorating right before my eyes. Log in Register. Plus when we have financial struggles I feel very guilty. 5. Have you considered counselling? My dh is very unhappy in his work and has been since I met him. My husband was in an affair, said he was in love like never before, and that he never loved me. Ker60qis. Luckily, I was able to find a better job for myself that meant Kurt wouldn’t have to try and do everything on his own. I have been doing a bit of casual extra work recently too to bring in more money but this obviously isn't good enough. So I began to wonder, is my husband depressed? I do practically all of the house work (he does some laundry and dishes, mainly because 'I don't do it right') and all the food shopping and cooking. From beanies to bourbon maple syrup (yes, really), you'll find all of this year's best gifts for him below. Hubby earns good money in city and resents me earning small money for working 2 days a week locally. It makes me feel lonely. We have a long road ahead, but I’m confident that we can work together to see it through from here on out. Was it already too late to do something about it? anon . He is being unreasonable and I think maybe you need to make it clear to him that you are not willing to continue living like you have been, your son is your priority and it is so important for him to have a happy home. The marriage tips that you’ll receive could save your marriage just like it did for mine. When I told him that I felt like we were going in two different directions and I didn’t know what to do, he stopped for a moment. He is disattisfied with his job but that isn't your fault and he is the only one that can do something about it. My husband works full time but his income is not enough to support our family of 4. My husband has been through many jobs, and had his own business for a decade, which didn't make much money. Most of the time the resentment will show up as something like “you don’t spend enough time with me”, “you don’t treat me special enough”, “you don’t buy me gifts”, etc. I feel like I am doing the right thing by raising my children myself while my husband goes to work. Husband resents me working part time. Source(s): https://shrinke.im /a751R. He says I take him for granted - I think it's the opposite! He and his wife were seperated for 2 years and then their divorce was finalized last year in August. I do work 2 days a week for a few hours and with the money I make I budget it wisely and pay for all of our groceries and most of the kids stuff. I think he's being very unreasonable. My husband works as a contractor so hardly gets time off. In our worst fights he has told me I'm no good for anyone, worthless, lazy, selfish. We had an argument about this recently and he said 'the only thing you do is cook' which is a load of crap! He is being unreasonable and I think maybe you need to make it clear to him that you are not willing to continue living like you have been, your son is your priority and it is so important for him to have a happy home. When I told him the good news he got defensive and said that he had everything under control. Hi Kerry Over the years, my husband and I have tried to make adjustments to give me more of a voice in my own life and that of our family. If you find yourself in a situation like mine, take a moment to fill out the form below. While I feel sorry hubby is unhappy in his job that's not your fault. This is the place to chat about your relationships with your in-laws, parents and other relatives, and get support from others who understand whatever it is you're going through. Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube. But just because our financial problems in marriage were over, didn’t mean that all of our problems were. 3 of 12. He was always stressed from working long hours, he never had energy to do anything when he came home, and I always had to walk on eggshells around him. I am now looking for a full time job even though I don't really want to go back a stressful job and have to work late (which in my line of work is expected) but I am sick of being treated like a maid, cook and childminder. I've told him that he could at least look but this just causes an argument. All of the usual things that you hear that a husband is supposed to do! The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. He is taking out his frustration and resentment on you which is not fair. If anyone is taking things for granted, it is him. I'm devastated and afraid he's going to leave me. He has been to counseling for it but now he refuses to go. His new responsibility of providing for us was taking its toll. My Husband Resents Me. See all Articles by Baker Jack Get Updates on Divorce Get Updates on Baker Jack. He is taking out his frustration and resentment on you which is not fair. Anyway, about two years ago (my youngest was in 1st grade at this time) my husband and I got into a huge fight and he called me a mooch. Husband resents me (78 Posts) Add message | Report. However have you thought about him working pt and you full time? He doesn't seem to see that I do all the hoovering, dusting, clean bathrooms, changing bed clothes, washing etc.. I found out I was invading his space. The truth is that he drinks too much and it often leads to fights not just with me but with anyone he is usually around he is a mean drunk. 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