I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health. My husband is my partner, not my superior. And as noted by the above poster - I presume then you acknowledge when your children go to school at age 5, they’re being raised by someone else - by your definition. SAHM to me means no more fancy daycare for the 2 year old. No Man Wants To Have Sex With His Mom. However I don’t think it’s really fair to expect to give up work and your husband to work FT. You change your life for your kids It's like parents who say they hate being home and work for their sanity. What do you do? So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). Hello! Published May 6, 2015. Also children are often run down and poorly at nursery. But of course there is no reason a dad can't sahm. Chaunie Brusie. NOWHERE has the OP suggested she will just quit or force her husband to provide for her (the horror! In no way does that equate to being “raised by someone else”. I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job. It’s equally clear why those threads may encourage women to be WOHP. It’s really a compliment because there are many husbands who don’t want to spend time with their wives. We have massive arguments about it. It would be very stressful for your husband to be the sole earner, and whilst he seems to be expressing himself badly, he does have a valid point. Tell him to get a bloody better job. It doesn't have to be all or nothing?Did you enjoy your job before? By . Bernetteyog Tue 28-Jan-20 18:01:59. Published May 6, 2015. Idk if you're financially dependent on your husband but if so get your ducks in a row my friend. If he’s not happy to compromise and neither are you then it may end up being a dealbreaker. If being a SAHM has always been your dream, then you should've married someone who was supportive of your dream. The additional workload will bring a large pay rise. Stay-at-home moms feel guilty for being exhausted and worry they’re not keeping the house neat enough or taking good enough care of the kids, even when their husbands aren’t complaining. yes they are being raised by the nursery.No they aren't. I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job. And what if ops husband wants to go part time or be a sahp and she does too? Playing with toys and spending time with family. Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time (544 Posts) Add message | Report. Then your children are with a parent more and there's less impact on money.I wouldn't want my partner to go part time tbh. Photo by david_shankbone. It seems like you may have subconsciously be drawn to a critical partner who withdraws under stress. A gift to see that my husband was going to be there for me no matter what. Men have managed to raise kids and work for generations.Or are you saying those men didnt raise their kids.Kids who go to school have stopped being raised by their parents at 5? I was referring to posters who said she should just quit. My cousin works in one and a baby calls her mummy now. If he wants the nice holidays then he will have to pay for them! Going to parks and stuff too. To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account. What does that even mean? A lot of times, when a separation happens, the higher-earning spouse (let’s call him the husband, because in most cases, unfortunately, that’s still true) stops having his paycheck direct deposited into the joint account. Can you move sideways for a bit? As it is right now, I run myself ragged doing for everyone else and never for myself. @SueEllenMishke yes they are being raised by the nursery. Refuse-to-Work Spouse: The kids need me here. Husband Doesn't Respect Me Because I'm a SAHM. In no way does that equate to being “raised by someone else”.How many of those 168 are waking hours? I think SAHP-ing has to be by mutual agreement. This is all about respect. Perhaps he needs to apply for a higher paid job and you need to apply for something that is less stressful. I would also hold off on TTC. So instead of lying on the sofa watching Tele and sleeping. So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. Your DH needs to understand that you are suffering, stress is affecting your health and your parenting, and these things unchecked can lead to far bigger problems than smaller cars and less holidays. My family also lives an hour away and generally if there is a party down that way, I go with the kids. Because your husband does want to spend time with you, he may be afraid that if you homeschool you won’t … Older kiddo is already in elementary school. How To Ask Someone How They’re Actually Doing Right Now. So SAHM is out but I would like to go part time so I would have more balance in my life. Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time (544 Posts) Add message | Report. That being said, I have a specific job that could be done remotely. If your husband doesn't earn enough to … There is a possible happy medium to this, as many stay-at-home moms have discovered: earn income from home as a part-time … I had stated at the outset that a SAHD is fine the same as a SAHM. Good luck. But unless you have a fantastic job anyway it's not worth it for the sake of keeping £300 out of £1200 a month. He might enjoy some extra family time too. My husband NEVER goes to the grocery store with me. yes they are being raised by the nursery - so once they are at shool, your children are also raised by the school? Get over yourself. She won't regret it. That's another reason sahm choose to stay home. Who's right? We have massive arguments about it. So surely these full time workers give most of it away anywayOP is the main earner and a high stress managerial job. If your husband doesn’t want to do that and he lets you do all the hard things alone, it means that he doesn’t respect you enough. What if both parents want to be a sahp.Where is the mans 'natural' need to provide for his wife and child and let his wife stay home, if he is staying at home.Non of your points make sense. It's unfair to force one person to bear full financial responsibility for a family. So if she went full time we are talking £700-£900It's great if you have family helping for free. Of course you can't just decide to live off his dollar, you both need to provide for your child, if your job is negatively affecting your health then find another one. Raising children is so much more than being with them 24/7. *I actually feel sorry for people who think a mother doesn't have the right to stay at home. A pp who hadn't read my posts suggested I never mentioned SAHDs. * i feel like this is one of those gotcha threads where the sexes have been reversed*The difference with the sexes being reversed though is that DH isn’t actually carrying a baby for nine months, giving birth and then breastfeeding all whilst trying to conceive another one and hold down a high powered job with very long hours - It’s not the same. Hello! And continued in that role in their home when they added two more children. Okay, now let's look at the list of 8 reasons your husband won't have sex with you: 1. No one comes here and says 'I work fulltime and dp/dh does half the house work'You arent going to see people posting about their totally normal fair home situation. I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job. I also said part time or one full and another part time. I forgot we were in 2020 where children as just commodities like dogs, to be raised by someone elseYou are kidding right? He works and I agreed to stay at home since the birth of our son. Going back full time because you can't stand being home sounds like you don't enjoy mother hood. Since having my daughter I have want to be a sahm or part time. This is page 1 of 22 (This thread has 544 messages.). [Warning added by MNHQ: distressing content], Can’t get my head round what my mother has done, A plea to those who have/will stop sticking to the restrictions, Has covid-19 affected your plans to become pregnant or TTC? A lot of times, when a separation happens, the higher-earning spouse (let’s call him the husband, because in most cases, unfortunately, that’s still true) stops having his paycheck direct deposited into the joint account. where children as just commodities like dogs, to be raised by someone else, where a woman is seen as GIVING 50% to the relationship by raising a family and supporting the household (OR SAHDs, for those that want to pounce, but on this post I am responding to the devaluing of SAHMs), it's no longer a case where morals and family values and good old fashioned common sense is timelessAnd where both want be a sahp? Hello! The child can play and have a fun. Reading some of the threads on mumsnet I’m not surprised a high percentage of women on mumsnet want to be SAHM. I don't understand pp - one person leaving their job shouldn't be a unilateral decision in a household. But it's a false narrative and irrelevant. Would PT not be a workable compromise? To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account. A child in childcare is being raised by someone else? My husband works crazy hard hours so that I can be a SAHM, and when he isn't working he wants to take a break. Marriage is a partnership of equals - I do my part and my husband does his - and sometimes the work load is 60/40. Bernetteyog Tue 28-Jan-20 18:01:59. I feel like this is one of those gotcha threads where the sexes have been reversed. You should do whatever is best for you Op - Your dh shouldn’t be able to control what you do especially if it’s damaging to your health. Subject: I'm a SAHM and my husband won't let me send money to my teen son. In at least 3 posts.So it's a game of dibs?Who says they are going to be sahp, first wins? Oh no, no one cares for timeless common sense anymore, when they can devalue the contribution a SAHM gives. Thank you. He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. I'd also leave having DC2 until you are both well established in new roles and a new economic dynamic. So in that case, yes, the nursery worker is doing the majority of the child rearing. Anonymous: Anonymous wrote: Anonymous wrote: Anonymous wrote: Anonymous wrote: Anonymous wrote:Everyone's already bashing you so I won't add to it but I'll just say my DH doesn't "believe in" SAHMs either. Unfortunately as a single mum of teens, ive got to work plus id be bored. It's expensive to go to work! He wants all of your time and attention, he wants your praise and adoration and he wants to know that he has total power over you. Husband Won't Let His Wife Be a SAHM—Say What? Numerous times. I really don’t know where to go from here. That's how it's supposed to be. In the interest in fairness...would you let him give up work or go part time? I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). That parent will be seeing their child for a couple of hours at best on week days. You noticed that animals in the wild keep their young with them. Chaunie Brusie. I don’t care what other people do and don’t judge them for their choices but I was not put on this Earth to be kept by another human being and to spend my whole life as a mother and home maker. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). One parent should be available. My husband and I have been married 4 years and have a DS 18months.  I'm 30, he's 35. @Shadyshadow that’s what I meant - on MN there’s a high proportion of threads where the woman works and does everything, so it’s easy to see why lots of women reading and posting on MN want to be SAHM. Not judging people for not working. He should want to provide for her stay at home. Not in my makeup. I really don’t know where to go from here. Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time (544 Posts) Add message | Report. Meanwhile, her husband had taken a liking to talking to other women and having various spells of infidelity. I'm not sure I would even want to SAH but if I did, it isn't an option lol. Isn't that what we women have wanted RECOGNISED? I work in midlevel management with a good salary but 60 hour weeks not open to flexibility. No man wants to have sex with a wife who is constantly mothering him. If being a SAHM has always been your dream, then you should've married someone who was supportive of your dream. It sounds like it would be better for you to hold off TTC your second child while this situation is ongoing. I don’t want to be around my husband any more and need help getting out of this mess of a relationship. Let’s talk a little bit about how support gets into place and how long it takes. Ive was a sahm for 2 months and hated it, always worked. Stay-at-home moms feel guilty for being exhausted and worry they’re not keeping the house neat enough or taking good enough care of the kids, even when their husbands aren’t complaining. A bit of nursery is great. I've already said or SAHDs. This is page 12 of 22 (This thread has 544 messages.). I was earning only about 1/8 of what he was anyways, so we decided the most sensible arrangement since getting married was that I'd become a homemaker and SAHM when we had a baby. [Warning added by MNHQ: distressing content], Can’t get my head round what my mother has done, A plea to those who have/will stop sticking to the restrictions, Has covid-19 affected your plans to become pregnant or TTC? And what happens to you in the future Op? Hello! poor man having to provide for his family) She has said they have discussed it, had many arguments about it, so she obviously is not justforcinghim to provide for his family. Well the price of childcare isn't cheap. My hubby, like yours, enjoys spending some kid-free time with me in the evenings. I'm wondering what the responses would be if the roles were reversed on this thread.I think the decision for anyone to be a SAHP needs to be a joint decision. I have explained this to my husband but he does not want me to leave my job as it is flexible but doesn’t understand the stress and desperation to spend more time with my daughter. NOWHERE has the OP suggested she will just quit or force her husband to provide for her (the horror! Yes, got forbid the woman takes equal financial responsibility for the child she is an equal parent of.Yes, god forbid the woman takes equal responsibility for her children and wants to contribute by raising a family. But when they go all day everyday they are probably exhausted and missing home. I find that incredibly sad! The working spouse tries everything to get the spouse with Refuse-to-Work Syndrome to look for a job. To be repulsed at this outcome? Husband Won't Let His Wife Be a SAHM—Say What? Having a child in nursery full time would not make financial sense. Subject: I'm a SAHM and my husband won't let me send money to my teen son. Message deleted by MNHQ. What does sahm, being norm years ago have to do with anything. It should be a natural urge for him.Huh? Where you got that she would do it without discussing it, I don't know. I had stated at the outset that a SAHD is fine the same as a SAHM. He takes care of our finances, but that doesn't mean I'm clueless. I think you have to make the judgement based on your individual family and family needs. So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. Would your employer let you reduce to part time but for a few years, and have you costed the impact of the change on your family? How much do you both earn and where do you live?If you're looking at living on his £75k salary in a cheap part of the country it's a very different situation to living on a £25k salary in London, for ex.Do you pay for childcare or do family provide it? And treated like a dog?You are utterly ridiculous. In a nutshell he is pissed I didn't want to quit my job and be a SAHM for Lizzy but I do for our son and so therefore I love our son more and that makes me … They are on a chaotic loud noisy room. There is no single reason that makes a man mean and disrespectful. Anonymous: Everyone's already bashing you so I won't add to it but I'll just say my DH doesn't "believe in" SAHMs either. Baby. That he was going to be someone I could laugh with, have romantic dinners with, walk on the beach with, and enjoy the good times with, but he was also going to be someone who would stay by my side when I was at my worst. ... For Families Torn Apart By Politics, The Election Results Won’t Change Anything. What? It will put a lot more pressure on the wage earner to be the only wage earner. I think this is a family decision rather than an individual one. When I did.Then your argument doesnt make sense. Friends may hav… I understand how you feel but it is very, very unwise to leave a flexible, well paid job to be a SAHM. Thank you, @sueEllenMiskeWell the price of childcare isn't cheap. That’s why these threads will always be so split and why it needs to be decided on an individual basis between the family, not one person in the family deciding for everyone. It does sound like it will cause massive problems in your relationship though.Are you sure you want another child with this man?? I said if you have no choice it can't be helped. Where you got that she would do it without discussing it, I don't know. I give him his space...but he also gives me mine. My friends hate to come by and spend time with me because he gets jealous. Yet, he won't let me go easily while I'm crying, begging for a divorce. He HATES it! Bernetteyog Tue 28-Jan-20 18:01:59. My husband said I'm the only one with a problem so he won't go. They get maternity. Subject: Re:Husband will not let me be a SAHM. I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job. I have a father.....so that's not a spot my husband needs to fill for me. If your husband isn’t 100% enthusiastic about you staying at home, then it won’t work. So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. What would you say if your husband wanted to give up work and be a SAHP? I wanted to stay home with our daughter after she was born but my husband insisted I go back to work so I did. Can you both drop a day? To be repulsed at this outcome? He can be so petty. @SueEllenMishkeBut sahm are not doing what's right? I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job. Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time (544 Posts) Add message | Report. He say the situation is making him ill. We could afford to live on my husbands salary but would have to make cut backs but my husband likes nice holidays etc. Staying at home can be a long term solution to a short term problem.I'm not understanding the part time work/full time pay scenario - sounds great! KennyRogersWasNotInStarWars its mn. We have a daughter who is 2 and I am almost 12 weeks pregnant. I'm talking babies and toddlers. I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health. A gift to see that my husband was going to be there for me no matter what. I feel like this is one of those gotcha threads where the sexes have been reversedI thought that! Take this survey - £50 voucher to be won, How have you shown your appreciation for the NHS? I understand you want to spend time with your DD, most people would want that, but equally most people have to work! £200 voucher to be won, Win up to £500 worth of clothes: Share what you would buy from Zalando, Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time, Talk widget showing discussions of the day & trending threads, Subscribe to Mumsnet emails direct to your inbox. Hello! Well there’s no company on the planet which will let you drop hours and keep the same pay. Can you change job? *Don’t feel sorry for me. My employer was happy for me to do part time hours on full pay (which was great) but not I have more workload and I need to do full time hours plus travel (I’m still bfing). For the sake of 3 years??? He's a doctor in private practice so our finances are fine. OP cannot make any decisions alone but if I were her I’d question why he was against part time working if the finances wouldn’t be compromised - that’s very odd. poor man having to provide for his family) She has said they have discussed it, had many arguments about it, so she obviously is not just forcing him to provide for his family. ... She tried to not let me sleep in the bedroom, which ended up with her now residing in the guest room. Stay-at-home moms - and actually I think all women do this to a certain point- have a tendency to step away from their individual identity and invest more into being a mom and being a wife. My husband and I have almost twenty years of wrongdoing between each other. One way to be at home more for your toddler is to have another maternity leave of course. When I did. I was married to a man for 15 years and it started with not letting me see my friends or family. Subject: I'm a SAHM and my husband won't let me send money to my teen son. And that was another position she took pride in. To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet. FMD. My husband works crazy hard hours so that I can be a SAHM, and when he isn't working he wants to take a break. *So it's a game of dibs?Who says they are going to be sahp, first wins?*Huh? And a man like this will never be the one who will make you happy and fulfilled. You have taken it upon yourself to change the narrative. ... Subject: WWYD: Husband won't let me work part-time. What was decided before you had the 18 month old? Statements like that do nothing but make women feel like shit. Bernetteyog Tue 28-Jan-20 18:01:59. He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. I don’t think either of you are necessarily being unreasonable, you just might find that your visions of family life might not be compatible. They have to go. But we're happy to step up and help each other. Again part time is great. How about an interesting well paid job instead, like the ones men seem to have? @katharinaRosalieNo they are getting an education! Yesterday, USA Today posted a column on their website, entitled Why I Won’t Let My Wife Quit Her Job. He say the situation is making him ill. We could afford to live on my husbands salary but would have to make cut backs but my husband likes nice holidays etc. No he cant stop you leaving your job.But I would leave dp, if he just decided to cut our household budget because he wanted to be part time or stay at home.I am the higher earner and no way would I be financially reliant on my husband or partner.He cant stop you. Staying at home is a lifestyle that both parents have to support. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines. But it's a false narrative and irrelevant.Didnt say she did. As a result, over time there's potential for her identity to be very caught up in being a mom and/or a wife, and she loses her individual identity. Health and time with family should always be a priority over finances. I asked him to please tell me what was bothering him then so we can work through it. How many times have we read things like ‘I work full time, I allocate all my AL to the school holidays, my husband won’t take time off if the kids are sick because he thinks his job is more important, my husband won’t shop, cook or clean and today I’m home sick and he refused to do the drop off’. They breastfeed etc. I can’t really advise without knowing detailed figures about both incomes and your outgoings. How about you both drop a day? I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). Op should invest a couple of years into her child before she goes to school. Theres more to life than been a sahm, dont get me wrong if you can do it them great. Bernetteyog Tue 28-Jan-20 18:01:59. Was either of your parents cold or critical when you were young? I need o calculate now but my childminder (2 DC full time) certainly doesn't get paid more than 10% of my personal income. I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job. Even if a child is in nursery 8 - 6 for 5 days a week that’s only 50 hours out of a week of 168 hours. Oh and I wish people would give over with shit about kids of working parents “being raised by someone else”. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). My husband and I have been married for 4 years and we have a 1.5 year old together. S/he asks nicely, begs, gets angry, hopes s/he's planted a seed and gives it time. A pp who hadn't read my posts suggested I never mentioned SAHDs. You won't change my view. I would never judge a SAHM because of those threads alone, equally because of those threads I’d never judge a WOHM. Who don't understand that marriage is a team, and one who does 50% of the work by staying home, raising a family, attending to the household etc is somehow 'lesser' than a man who does the other 50% by earning.Staying at home is as much if not more so as taxing as 'earning', and I can only presume those that smugly insinuate a SAHM is a bludger, don't have kids and have no idea what it is to be the one at home raising the family.The job is just as valuable as earning actual money. I give him his space...but he also gives me mine. I forgot we were in 2020 where children as just commodities like dogs, to be raised by someone else, where a woman is seen as GIVING 50% to the relationship by raising a family and supporting the household (OR SAHDs, for those that want to pounce, but on this post I am responding to the devaluing of SAHMs), it's no longer a case where morals and family values and good old fashioned common sense is timeless. I know we could afford it with me not working but he says it's not fair to him. It's just the way nature intended it. Four reasons why your husband is mean and disrespectful. She sees her mum about 3 hours a day and is with my cousin 10.I've also not said people should not work. Anonymous: My son is at an intense college and I'd like to send him modest amounts of money because his debit card is practically empty and I don't want him working and getting in over his head academically. They can't take a sick day because mummy is working. Anonymous: My son is at an intense college and I'd like to send him modest amounts of money because his debit card is practically empty and I don't want him working and getting in over his head academically. Small children is a hard stage? When I was pregnant with our first daughter, my husband and I never really sat down to hash out what would happen after she was born. 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